From My Hands and My Heart: July 2011

Once again, I fell off the wagon with posting; but I think that’s because I didn’t think I had anything to say… I have been in a sort of post-graduation depression, if that’s a real thing. I didn’t get a job in my field right away, and still haven’t, and even though I didn’t expect that, I still hoped for it. I felt like kind of a loser, actually, because I couldn’t even find a part time job in any field until last week.

So, I tried MN, and it didn’t work out. I was there almost 2 months and couldn’t even get a serving or retail job, and I applied for around 15 of those plus about 10 museum jobs. So, I packed up what I could take in my car and came back to Kalamazoo for the last couple weeks of our lease. Now, Mark & I are living with his parents in West Bloomfield as a “transitional thing” as Mark’s mom says to her friends.

I got a job at Hiller’s Markets, a specialty grocery store up the road from the neighborhood we are living in, working in the deli. I get about 30 hours per week, and I get my first paycheck this Friday, which I’m pretty excited for! I get paid every week, which is nice. I also started a babysitting job this week; I’m watching a beautiful 10-week old angel named Elena one or two days a week. She’s a wonderful baby & I love it! I just wish I could watch her more often. I also picked up a band camp instructor job the first week of August in Clarkston, MI, with my KKY brother Annie. That’ll be fun, and it pays nicely too, which isn’t very common anymore with all the music funding and programs being cut.

So, living with Mark’s parents; I miss my friends and family. VERY much. It’s tough on us because we’ve been used to having our own private space, but it’s a challenge that we’re facing together. The benefits of living rent-free still outweigh the issues and adjustments. I’m trying to work and save as much as possible so that we can get our own place. We have an opportunity that has presented itself in Holland that we’re excited about, and it’s almost a sure thing that it’ll work; I’m looking for and have applied for jobs in Holland, Grand Rapids, Muskegon, South Haven, and everywhere in between.

I thought for a long time that I never wanted to live in Holland again; it felt too small, too familiar, and I wanted to be somewhere else. Now, I have lived in Kalamazoo, MI – which was awful – and White Bear Lake, MN – which was pretty, but looked just like MI and had no jobs – and now West Bloomfield, MI – which is just weird, a strange combo of the neighborhood and city, lots of towns slammed up against each other – and I’m thinking now, Holland isn’t so bad. I mostly want to be near my family. I know it isn’t normal for a family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) to all be in the same area and be so involved in each other’s’ lives, but I think we really have something special. I know I can travel and see new places, but I don’t want to miss my cousins growing up, or their kids, for that matter. I have always appreciated how unique my family is, and now I do even more. I can’t imagine only seeing them a few times a year.

So, I’m still in that “transitional thing,” but I’m working through it with a goal in sight.

I’ve started the South Beach Diet, and I feel more confident about this than I have with anything else I’ve tried. I’ve been eating better (as far as I knew) and exercising since I finished school, and I haven’t really lost weight, but I’ve capped it so I haven’t gained any more. I’m currently dancing around 195 pounds, and my goal is to lose 65 pounds and get down to 130 pounds. SB changes how I affect my body’s blood sugar through food combinations, and in understanding how food affects me on a chemical level is really helpful. So, I’m only on day 2, but I’m feeling different and I’m hoping that the 8-13 pounds I’m supposed to lose during the strict phase 1 (first 2 weeks) really does come off, because that will be the jump start I need to keep my motivation through phase 2 (which goes until I get down to my goal weight). I’ve been really inspired by my mom, who has been on a program that has helped her lose 56 pounds! Her goal is to lose 90 pounds, so she is almost 2/3 of the way there. I’m so proud of her and I keep picturing us both lean and smiling ear to ear, so I hope that becomes a reality for both of us.

So, for now, I’m changing how I eat, and trying to change how I look at myself. I’m incredibly comparative and I feel physically inferior to every thin girl I see. I’m trying to change that. I don’t know how long it’s going to take, but I think a combination of positive thinking and weight loss will really help me. I’ve always had low self-esteem but have shown confidence, so no one really knew how much I disliked my appearance; in the past year, the shield of confidence has been broken away by my life trials, and I’ve become very depressed with how I look. Mark has felt it, and he gave me quite a wake-up call recently. He actually said I was an unhappy person, and while I don’t think that’s entirely true, as far as comparing myself to other women and having such a terrible outlook on my appearance and weight, I understand where he is coming from. So I’m trying to really not care what other people think, but more importantly, not care what other people look like and how I think I look next to them. I need to be happy with myself and really look for the positives… but I’ve tried looking in the mirror and finding 5 beautiful things about myself many times over the past few years, and I usually can’t get past 1 or 2.

Time for my mid-morning snack and then a shower before my 1:30-10pm shift at the deli. I might be babysitting tomorrow, I’m not sure, but I don’t have to work at the deli, so it’s a day off as of right now. But if I get to babysit, that would be great too – the parents pay well and are really nice people, and the baby is such a joy.

Ciao-

Em

Movie Suggestion: “The Green Hornet” (2011) – Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Cameron Diaz. Following the death of his father, Britt Reid, heir to his father's large company, teams up with his late dad's assistant Kato to become a masked crime fighting team. (from IMDB) I loved this – very funny, lots of great action, gadgets, and a strong storyline. Seth co-wrote it, and you can tell because his humor and drama both come through. Great movie for family, friends, and couples!

Music Suggestion: Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson's This Is It (or simply This Is It) (2009). This is a posthumous two-disc soundtrack album by American recording artist Michael Jackson, released by Epic Records and featuring previously released music, as well as six previously unreleased recordings. (from Wiki) The CD has a great classic Michael feel – beautiful ballads, pop tracks, some nice appearances by current artists, and a big hit, “This Is It.” I love this album, and I really suggest listening to it, because there’s something for pretty much anyone!

Photo update: